Imperfect Messenger

Imperfect Message

Dweebs, Dorks, and Doofuses #31

Patrick Howley

Shellie Zimmerman Relieved to Learn Her Husband Was 

Only Armed with a Gun, Not a Knife

Q:  Where do hypocrites go when they die?

A:  They are buried in whited sepulchres, like this one, 

where President Obama will go someday.

President Obama Persuades Six More Vigilantes

to Join Him in Punishing Syria

Uncle Sam died believing guns made him safer.

One might have thought he was old enough to

know better.

Steve King, Michele Bachmann, and Louie Gohmert held

a press conference in Egypt to thank the military for its 

opposition to the Muslim Brotherhood and for its support

of 'Post-Natal Vaginal Tightening'.

Man Lost in Andes Since May Lived on Rats and 

What He Thought Were Raisins

"General el-Sisi, Louie Gohmert says you're the George

Washington of Egypt.  Do you think he means you have

wooden dentures?"

"Krusty, do you believe in God?"

"Well, maybe and maybe not.  Only God knows."

World's Worst Yoobs #139

Nicole Gelinas

Teen Shot Dead by Good Guy with Gun in 

Prank Gone Wrong

Dallas Cowboys Churrleader

Warm Scuzzies #426

Pine Bluff, Arkansas Police Department

"Sure, I brazenly lie, but it's all for a good cause, namely,

creepy ol' unctuous me."

Little Brother is watching you, too.

World's Worst Yoobs #138

Kemberlee Kaye

Dennis Rod-un Sez: "Supreme Leader of North Korea Is a

Friend for Life"

Little Known Fact #42

More Friesian Holsteins might work as waitpersons in 

restaurants if cow-tipping weren't against the laws of 

physics.

"My Senator looks like he just swallowed a toad.  

Should I be concerned?"

"Watch him closely for the next few hours, and take him 

to the vet only if he starts foaming at the mouth."

Oxymorons for Our Time #158

Lori Saine

"Life is just a bowl of cherries, 
So live and laugh at it all."

Would you buy a used ShamWow from this man?

What if thousands of voyeurs decided to work together in 

one place?  Well, they already do and the place is the 

National Security Agency headquarters in Fort Meade,

 Maryland.

If 'moderate' Syrian rebels summarily execute their prisoners,

imagine what 'radical' Syrian rebels do.

If using chemical weapons is a 'moral obscenity', what do you 

call the U.S. selling $641 million worth of cluster bombs 

to Saudi Arabia?

Kamikaze Pilot Agrees to Attack Any Aircraft Carrier with

a Critic of Miley Cyrus Twerking on Board

Fearguth's Rules of Order #59

If your cock is almost as tall as you are,

do not agree to fight it in the arena.

"Well, Benjy, I was a Vietnam Veteran Against the War, 

that's true.  But that was the Vietnam War, which ended

 so long ago.  To tell the truth, I've been rather fond of war 

ever since then."

"We are talking about people being killed by gas and you 

want to go talk about Benghazi and Fast and Furious.  We 

want to kill people with Tomahawk missiles, for Christ's 

sake, so let's get serious, shall we?"

Boy with Pipe Says the Idea of a Nobel Peace Prize Recipient

 Ordering the Bombing of Syria Is an 'Unmanageable Irony'

Brad Dayspring Found Babbling Incoherently While 

Wandering Around in the National Republican Senatorial  

Campaign Committee in an Empty Dress

Oxymorons for Our Time #157

Sovereign Nation

Warm Scuzzies #426

Chief Darren Raney

The 'Boots on the Ground' John Kerry Tripped Over

"John McCain in Crisis, Loses Big on iPhone Poker

During Senate Hearing on Syria"

"President Barack Obama’s push to retaliate militarily 

against Syria took a major step forward Tuesday after 

securing forceful endorsements from House Speaker 

John Boehner and Mr. Bungle."

"My dear friend, we were born to be wild.  So, let's get our

motors running and head on down the highway!"

"Look, Maureen, another geek bearing gifts!"

Speaking of the Washington Post, Jeff Bezos said,

"I'm not a magician.  I can't turn a sow's ear into

a silk purse."

American Toad Trying to Swallow Syrian Mouse

Dweebs, Dorks, and Doofuses #30

Pete Olson

Q:  What do you call the Side that has Charles 

Krauthammer, Barack Obama, Bill Kristol, 

John McCain, John Kerry, Lindsey Graham, 

Joe Lieberman, David Cameron, Darth 

Vader, and David Brooks on it? 

A:  The Dark Side.

"I am the walrus, Pu Pu Pu Tin!"

Just in Time for Labor Day:

The Machine That Goes Ping!

Tucker Carlson Blames Swanson TV Dinner Overdose

for Snoozing Episode on Fox & Friends

Secretary of State Laurel Tells Dems U.S. Faces 

‘Munchies Moment’ in Syria Decision

"Like Bill Whittle says, I and my family are anti-American, 

anti-capitalist, anti-Christian, and anti-morality.  That's 

why we've been on commercial television since 1999."

The role having been empty since Saddam Hussein was

executed in 2006, Syria's President Bashar al-Assad

has become the latest in a series of Adolf Hitlers to

goosestep on the world stage.

After being placed on indefinite suspension, Mark Kessler

appeared as though he had been coldcocked.