Cooking Directions

Place in microwaveable dish. Cover; microwave on

HIGH for 3 minutes. Stir; microwave 2 more minutes.

Enjoy responsibly!

Suspected Double-Tusked Narwhalian Terrorist

Neutralized by Alert Counterinsurgent

This wizened gentleman is a face reader. Were he to read yours,

would he laugh, cry, or fall asleep?

CNN's John King says Mitt Romney, age 60, is a "young man."

If that's the case, then King, age 43, must be an 'old boy'.

Michelle Malkin to Be Subject of Right-Wing Celebrity Roast,

The Flaming of the Shrew

Somnambulist-in-Chief

Bildungblog was born two years ago today. As you can see,

he's getting too big for his britches.

In retirement, Superman supplemented his meager Social

Security income with appearances at slam-dunk contests

and bullfights.

"Just where in the Koran does it say angel fish shouldn't

be mixed with loin fish in a 40-gallon tank?"

"Vaccinated? Hellfire and damnation,

I'm being murdified!"

Sarko the Giant Selects His New Wife to Be

the Final Stage of the 2008 Tour de France

Joe Camel, looking for work, arrives in Dubai.

"Hang in there, kiddos! Only two days to go!"

The Unexpurgated Bible #10

Baby Jesus Performs First Miracle,

Turns Enfamil into Water

He's Like a Chocoholic, But for Botox

Fountain of Youth

Tanzanian Women Heed President Bush's Call

to Sit on His Face

Republican Oppo Researchers Getting in

Shape for Fall Campaign

Right Slams Obama as 'Shadowy Chicago Socialist'

The Flasher Wrasse, a rather expensive saltwater aquarium

fish, says it would get a lot more attention were it not for all

the grandstanding by the Presidential candidates.

Protect America Act to Be Scissored at Midnight;

Terrorists Threaten Unprotected, Full-Frontal Assault

When the people who don't know how to laugh

round up the last clown, the human race will

be over. But there won't be any winners, only losers.

General Motors Loses $38.7 Billion in 2007; Google

Confident Its Search Algorithm Will Be Able to Find It

Journalist Foreshortened by Fist of Fury

Kaho Watanabe, photographers say, is admired

primarily because of her brain, not her fine ass.

Al Wynn's Face Stops Clock, But Not Before His

Time Runs Out in Congress

Daniel Lipinski, a Democratic Representative

from Illinois, believes his opponents don't

like him because of his looks. Could anything

be further from the truth?

"Whuddya mean 'I'm saving myself for marriage'?

Parrots don't get married, you birdbrain!"

U. S. troops are now stationed in 130 countries. Since

there are 194 countries in the world, this means there

are only 64 more to go.

Fearguth's Rules of Order #11

Porcupines have heard most all banana jokes,

so don't waste their time (and yours) telling them.

"Yikes! I sure hope that's your ball and not mine!"

"What are you holding me for for? Do I look like

someone who has stolen surgical bandages?"

Sleepy Angel Unaware of Lurking Demon

If everybody could keep and bear missiles, shooting down

the errant spy satellite would be a piece of cake.

Chuck Rosenthal, Harris County Republican District Attorney,

Resigns, Blames Prescription Drug Interaction for the Racist

and Pornographic Emails Found on His Office Computer

The back of Mark Halperin's head has apologized for saying

John Edwards "thinks Obama is kind of a pussy." The front

of Mark Halperin's head now says, "It meant to say kitty cat."

Florida Representative Adam Putnam, his hair ablaze with

indignation, led his Republican colleagues out of the House

yesterday, saying, "The Democrats are more interested in a

political witch hunt than in keeping America more secure

before they leave Washington for a week." Having thus shot

his political wad, Congressman Putnam, too, left Washington

for a week.

"I've got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle,

As I go riding merrily along.

And they sing, 'Oh, ain't you

glad you're single.'

And that song ain't

so very far from wrong."

At sunrise, Tequila the Chihuahua felt dehydrated.

The elbow is one of the hardest working, yet least

attractive, features of the human body. Scholars of the

human frame tend to rank it just slightly above or below

the unsightly knee.

Let Hertz Put You in the Driver's Seat

"Governor Romney says he made a charitable donation to
the election industry of over $50 million just so he could
endorse me for President.  He is truly a great American
hero, just like me."

Already under indictment, Dusty Foggo, former Executive

Director of the CIA, may face additional charges, including

having a name that makes people snicker.

How Dick Cheney, George Bush, and Karl Rove Would Look

Were They Turned Inside Out

Fur-Bearing Automobiles Placed on Endangered Species List

President Bush has vowed to hold his breath until Congress

grants the telecoms retroactive immunity.

Bolivian Democracy at Work

Rather than continue nickle-and-diming themselves to death,

the GOP members of the House of Representatives resigned

today en masse.