"You were lucky! I was kidnapped by the CIA, flown

to Gitmo, tortured until I confessed I was Johnny

Depp, and convicted by a secret military tribunal

on charges that I had been a willing co-conspirator

in making three crappy pirate movies. Tell me: did

I, Abizullah, a humble balloon-man from Kabul,

deserve such a cruel fate?"

"John says Machiavelli once took a nap on this couch. Can

you believe it? Next thing you know, he'll be dragging it to

the Antiques Road Show for an appraisal!"

"Is that Russia invading Georgia, Pootie-Poot, or am I still

hallucinating after bouncing a quarter off Misty May's ass?"

Just when Nicole finally understood the logic of Aquinas'

distinctions between Potency and Act, Substance and Accident,

Matter and Form, Permanence and Change, and Essence

and Existence, this had to happen.

After Nikolett perfected her signature Hydro-Schnozz

Propulsion Technique^TM, there wasn't a swimmer in

the world who could keep up with her.

World's Worst Yobs #44

Jerome Corsi

Q: Why did God create law professors

like Glenn Reynolds?

A: Because He needed someone to explain lawyer

jokes to other lawyers in a language only they

could understand.

"Mickey said we would rendezvous promptly at sunset for a

little meetin' and bleatin'. You don't suppose he's blowing

us off again, do you?"

Having won 63% of the recall vote, Bolivian President Evo Morales

politely and elegantly gave the bird to his conservative opponents.

Things Older Than John McCain #8

David Broder

Ralph Reed, the Right Hand of God and the Left Hand of Jack

Abramoff, to Hold Two-Fisted Fundraiser for John McCain

Alabama Bricklayers Invade Georgia, Plan to Build Wall of

Separation Between Jimmy Carter and True Christianity

"Good Lord! I just realized πόλις is the root of 'polís', 'police',

'policy', 'politics', 'politician', and 'The Politico'. Those archaic

Greeks sure knew how to take revenge on the future, didn't they?"

If the Duchess of Cornwall cracked one more joke about his

pinky ring, the Prince of Wales was going to give her a right

proper caning. The mere thought of it made the more than

forty sphincters in his royal body tighten.

Things Older Than John McCain #7

La Brea Tar Pits

The Touch of the Master's Hand

"So this is 'Election Central'," Kanye mused.

"I always thought it would be different."

There was nothing funny about this puck. This was the dreaded

Puck of Doom, and it had Marty's name written all over it.

"Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!"

After years of searching, Micah finally found The Comfort Zone.

"Russia's attack on Georgia is disproportionate . . . Oof!"

Sweaty Galoot Goes for Beach Babe's Glutes

You look like a Bildungblog reader who has yet to

taste Glow-in-the-Dark Sunny D. Go ahead, have

a sip. All you have to lose is your place in time.

"You wanna know Victoria's secret? Well, she's just

a dumb blonde God created to fuck my brains out.

And she's pretty much succeeded I'm happy to say."

Megapreacher's Wife Pleads Guilty to Loving

People, Looking Through a Glass Darkly

"Hey, guys, this is beginning to look a whole lot like The Good War

fought by The Greatest Generation. If we're lucky, we might

even land a part in the sequel to Saving Private Ryan."

President Bush Giving Callipygian Advice

to the Women's Beach Volleyball Team

McCain Supporter Deflates Tires to Spite Obama

"Listen, pal, and listen good: the last wiseguy who gave

me the finger is now taking a dirt nap. Capiche?"

Mini-Me on McCain's VP Short-List

Now that John Edwards has come clean,

when will John McCain?

Coca leaves at the ready, Hilaria Supa was all set to legislate.

Edwards Says Purpose of Extramarital Affair Was

to Refute Ann Coulter's Claim He's a Faggot

World's Worst Yobs #43

David Gregory

Things Older Than John McCain #6

Chachapoyas Mummy

"Did somebody say, 'National Enquirer'?"

Palestinian Synchronized Hurling Team Triumphs in Beijing

Definitely Not a Lincoln, Hardly a Ford, More Like a Yugo

McCain Condemns Russian Invasion of

His Chief Foreign Policy Adviser

John Edwards' prayer was answered, but

not in the way he had hoped.

Things Older Than John McCain #5

Neolithic Lovers

"She'll fly her astral plane,

Takes you trips around the WSJ,

Brings you back the same day,

Peggy Noonan. Peggy Noonan."

Soon, the Chinese will have their very own Ann Coulter androgynoid.

When Muffler Man Was a Neonate

Johnny Damon Exercises Nuclear Option,

Blows Fans Away

Parental Advisory #3

Explicit Non Causa Pro Causa

"The Chinese government understands I was just

bullshitting about its human rights abuses."

Wearing their Republican Platform Shoes,

the Blogettes for McCain were ready to party.

The day Ehud Olmert discovered how the Israeli

corruption investigators had cooked his goose.

Michelin Malkin reminds you that so much is riding on your tires.