"You say, Senator Graham, 'You can’t govern the country 

based on being angry'.  What about pouting?”

World's Worst Yoobs #153

Nellie Andreeva

For a Texas shitkicker, Ted Cruz has the most 

immaculate cowboy boots in the Senate.

When it comes to that 6-car pileup called 'George 

Zimmerman', the media are all rubberneckers.

REPORT:  There's Gold in Them Thar Angry Turds!

Warm Scuzzies #544

John Menard, Jr.

Less than one day after he pledged to "repeal every word

 of Obamacare," Ted Cruz has signed up for Obamacare.

Cave Springs, Arkansas Police Department Acquires

$30,000 Armored Vehicle, Says It's Now Ready for

the Coming Zombie Apocalypse

Humans eventually became extinct, but their

weapons kept on fighting.

"Ted Cruz is too fey to suit me."

In their psychosexual development, do Hoosier women 

experience 'Pence Envy'?

President of Afghanistan and U. S. Secretary of State

in 30-Minute, Two Out of Three Falls, Grinning Match

Syrian Fighters Take Time Out to Play Angry Birds

It is easier to imagine Bender as Napoleon than 

George Zimmerman as Anne Frank.

When she grows up, she wants to be a Ted Cruz jeerleader.

"Before 9/11, my favorite musical composition was Brahms' 

Paganini Variations.  But 9/11 changed everything, including 

my taste in music, and so I started listening to country music, 

especially Homer and Jethro's 'The Battle of Kookamonga'."

United States Spying on Israel Spying on Iran Spying 

on Iraq Spying on ISIS Spying on the United States

Warm Scuzzies #543

Gulfport Energy

"Could John Kasich be the GOP’s secret weapon in 2016? 

At least John Kasich thinks so."

Members of Matthew 24 Now, a band of curbside buskers 

from Idaho, have been arrested after sparking a riot in the 

middle of a Walmart parking lot in Cottonwood, Arizona.  

One observer described their music as "Just screeching 

noise, like unreal."

With the firing squad making a comeback in Utah, can

drawing and quartering be far behind?

Some say Ted Cruz will drive the GOP 2016 field so far 

to the right that it will be off the chart.  Wheee!

"There once were two cats of Kilkenny

Each thought there was one cat too many."

In Ted Cruz's universe, you get to kiss your wife

on the lips only after having your third child.

If this element of Ted Cruz's 2016 campaign logo

looks familiar, it's because it's a rip-off of one of

the traditional Christian symbols for the

Holy Spirit.

Ted Cruz wants to take America back.

The Cotton-Gohmert Bootometer is used to 

measure the number of boots on the ground

 in the Middle East.

"What's that?"

"It's the GOP's Steampunk Elephant."

"What's it for?"

"The presidential election."

"In 2016?"

"No, 1816."

Make Your Reservations Now for the

Great Hot-Air Balloon Cruz of 2016!

The Unexpurgated Bible #115

And as he journeyed, Ted came near Liberty University: 

and suddenly there shined round about him a light from

 Heaven. And he fell to the earth, and heard a voice saying 

unto him, "Ted, Ted, the time has come to pull America's

leg!"

"I see you have one of those new James O'Keefe mugs.  

What do you use it for?"

"Drinking hemlock."

"Teabag this, Ted Cruz!"

"The problem with Fox News is that it's way too wussy on 

the immigration issue.  If I had my way, illegal immigrants 

would be emulsified and turned into Spanish Cabra al Vino 

goat's milk cheese."

Angela Merkel wants to know what's wrong with being

born a broad abroad.

"Hey, Warren Groen!  I grasp my prey with my talons and 

then use my razor-sharp beak to basically tear them apart 

limb by limb.  Yes, I'm a raptor and I'm the National

Bird of the United States.  Gotta a problem with that?"

The Unexpurgated Bible #114

"But Jesus said, 'Suffer the little children to 

come unto to me and pet my Ankylosaurus'."

Have you noticed that Jeb Bush, like Stan Laurel, doesn't 

need makeup to look like a clown?

Turd smoking wasn't popular until Rush Limbaugh

came along.

"Hey, Intel, this microchip is stale!"

What Senator Cruz Is Pointing Out Today #16

An Adorable Squeaking Frog

If the human race ever finally destroys itself, it will be the 

final triumph of the Abrahamic religions.

Grim Fairy Tales #4

"Get over your temper tantrum, Mr. President, or I'm 

going to huff and puff and blow your house down!"

Senator Cruz to Announce Presidential Candidacy 

While Wearing Paisley Robe He Wore at Princeton,

 1988-1992 

"Barry Satera Kenya, Ooga Booga!  

Barry Satera Kenya, Ooga Booga!"

[Charlie is speaking in tongues again.]

Steve King didn't just wave the bloody shirt; he wore it.

Ted Cruz to Announce on Monday He 

Will Run for President; Threat 

Level Raised to 'Guarded'

Wino's Chair

"You may be wondering why I'm so hairy.  Quite honestly,

I've wondered the same thing.  In fact, I've asked God

about it and all He said was, "Shoo, fly, don't bother me!"