When someone is so nuts that even Louie Gohmert won't

endorse him, you know it must be Steve Stockman.

"Remember Duke Keomuka, Secretary Sebelius?  

Remember the 'Stomach Claw'?"

"OK, it's a deal, Peggy:  I'll loan you Bedtime for Bonzo 

and you'll loan me High Noonan."

Q:  "Can you glue your lips together with Krazy Glue?"

A: "Probably.  But don't try it."

Little Known Fact #46

While it is not true he suffers from Otisophobia (fear of 

elevators), it is true Rand Paul suffers from Muzakophobia 

(fear of elevator music).

"I want my free tacos or somebody is going to die!"

"The Tea Party sets an impossible standard.  I'm already

'Big Bad John' and I can't get any bigger or badder!"

"Neville Chamberlain shook hands with Adolf Hitler, Barack

Obama shook hands with Raúl Castro, and I picked Sarah

Palin to be Vice President of the United States.  We are

only human after all."

The coldest spot on Earth has been found.  It's in 

Dick Cheney's chest, where the temperature is

-138° Fahrenheit year-round.

'Springtime for Hitila' (Tila Tequila Remix)

"George, what's it like to have a Type Z Personality?"

President Obama Shakes Hand of President Castro,

Gets Cooties

The Potrzebie Prize #20

Pat Mullins, Chairman of the Virginia Republican Party,

Acclaimed for Discerning "Obama's So Close to Death"

Terry McAuliffe Ought to Take Out a Life Insurance 

Policy on Him

Tommy Lee Jones had dismissed the concept of metem-

psychosis out of hand until the day someone pointed out

he was a dead ringer for former President Andrew John-

son.  That's when he began to lose sleep, worrying about

impeachment.

The Unexpurgated Bible #94

"O Lord, there are 5,000 hungry people here.  Why do you

not feed them?"  And Jesus said unto him, "Sorry, but a 

local ordinance forbids the distribution of free food that 

hasn't been assessed for its salt, fat, and fiber content."

Rush Limbaugh Demonstrates His Foolproof

Technique for Stopping Women's Breasts from

Staring at His Eyes

"We have to earn our wings every day."

Haben Sie einen schönen Tag!

Fox News Headline #5

'Man Is Eating More Meat'

"Jim Baker says I regretted vetoing the Comprehensive

Anti-Apartheid Act of 1986.  Someone needs to warn him

that it's lies like that which landed me where I am today."

World's Worst Yobs #294

Joel Pollak

"What can I say?  Tucker Carlson is laughing at his own dick

 joke, and Clayton Morris is staring at my breasts.  I'm Anna

Kooiman and I must be on Fox & Friends Weekend."

Two-Minute Haters #36

Grant Chisholm

“I think the minimum wage law has outlived its 

usefulness and I would vote to repeal it.  I would 

also vote to send Tony Hayward, BP's former 

CEO, a 'Thank You Holiday Gift Basket'."

Appearances to the contrary notwithstanding, you are not 

now gazing upon wax dummies at Madame Tussaud's.

Sheriff Rick Clark's Profile in Bigotry

The Wild Wild West Rides Again

"What's Rick Santorum up to these days?"

"He's developing his Nelson Mandela impression

by comparing his fight against Obamacare in the 

U.S. to Mandela's fight against apartheid in South 

Africa.  He's also working on his five-finger exercise."

Rand Paul Sez:  "Signing up for Obamacare

put me in a bad mood."

John Boehner's Proposed New GOP Pick-Up Line:  "Ladies,

 if you want to know just how sensitive we Republican men 

are, watch Speaker Boehner cry."

Callista Gingrich Changes Hair Color to Match

Pantone's 'Color of the Year', Radiant Orchid

If, as he claims, President Obama is 'dictatorial' like Fidel

Castro, will Ted Cruz follow his father's example and 

emigrate to Canada? 

“A few years ago the psychiatrists, the psychologists

 used to say that homosexuality was a mental illness,  

Now, the Supreme Court has said that we have a 

right to be mentally ill.  Like me, for instance.”

Dweebs, Dorks, and Doofuses #35

Quin Hillyer

Do you know where your cellphone is?

The NSA does.

Duncan Hunter (R-CA) Sez:  "I think if you have to hit Iran,

 you don't put boots on the ground. You do it with tactical

 nuclear devices, and you set them back a decade or two

 or three.  I think that's the way to do it -- with a massive 

aerial bombardment campaign."

Warm Scuzzies #436

Taylor Palmisano

Banker to Wall Street Poodle 

Charles Schumer:

"Sit, Chuck. Roll over. Good dog!"

"Back on my home planet, they call

me 'Scarface'."

If you've read Hans Vaihinger's The

Philosophy of As-If, you know that

what we call 'Reality' is nothing more 

than a useful fiction and a shimmering

optical illusion.  But, even so, you have 

to admit it's still pretty cool.

Chevy Chase Playing a Land Shark That Decided to Skip

the Front Door and Take a More Direct Approach

The Galilean Village Jesus Decided to Skip

Which is better:  Assless Chaps or a Chapless Ass?

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You #89

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas from the 

Children of Cheddarheads

"Dreck Dynasty?  Oh, yeah, I watch it every week.  In fact,

I plan to name my next calf after Si Robertson."

"Honey, looks like the Amazon Octocopter is delivering

another load of Bezos' bullshit to the neighbors across

the street."

Warm Scuzzies #435

Randy McMillan

Let's give credit where credit is due:

Cops invented the 'Knockout Game'.

Will Bill O'Reilly declare war on this year's

Kardashian Khristmas Kard?

Having lost his race for the Senate in New Hampshire in 2002

and his races for the Senate in Florida in 2004 and 2010, Bob 

Smith says he is 'serious' about losing his race for the Senate

 in New Hampshire in 2014.